Here is the deal; throughout my life I have felt heavily the fear of being criticised. Disapproval from people that I hold in high regards, just kills me. It is time for me to free myself for good. Maybe starting by changing the tense on that sentence.
Criticism used to eat at my sense of safety. The feeling that something terrible could happen is just an expression of my ego, wanting to identify itself with an image that I particularly found very appealing, a correct and proper, smarty pants Ms. Goodytwoshoes-esque personification of myself.
But you see, next year marks the 40th anniversary of my birth, ah the big 4-O!. As my birthday present I am giving myself permission to admit to those little things that a previous version of me would have purposedly hidden. Don't worry, I'm still proper enough not to overshare* or divulge information without consent. In addition, names will be changed to protect the innocent and the once-upon-a-time-innocent.
(Drum roll)
For the past few weeks I have had a full profile, up and visible, with one of those internet services designed to get you exactly what you want (conditions apply) for a modest sum, or for free if you're really eye-catching. I'm referring to nothing but Australia's largest dating website. Judge away, I'll continue my story in the mean time.
My experience so far has been one of the most interesting in a long time. I find myself surprised by the richness in the humanity of it all. At times, I've been moved by other people's stories, some with uncanny similarities to my own and some very different, all worthy of my respect.
Filling out a form describing my ideal partner was interesting, having people match themselves to my form was a step up from interesting, finding out what actually suits me is a revelation in progress.
To be continued...
E.
* thank you for this word, Ultra D
mmm
ReplyDeletegiving yourself permission...
much intrigued with the story.