Throughout the past year I have been dipping my toes into the vast ocean of Mindfulness. When people ask me what it is, I answer "being here, now". It might sound easy, but it is not a simple concept to grasp, even more difficult to realise, as I have come to discover.
The events that lead me into this particular path started with the feeling of sinking, in front of my kitchen sink, yeah, well, it is corny, but that's where I was when it happened. I felt as if I had been asleep for years. As I drew a huge overdue breath, my world started to shake. My beliefs were all of the sudden questioned, by no other than myself. Something inside was urging me to see things for what they were, not what I thought there should be. Anxiety set in.
Left enters Mindfulness. I learned to focus on my breath, to meditate, to observe. On the external side, I separated, started a new diet, ran more and finally learned to swim properly. I did all of this because I had no choice. Would it be an exaggeration if I said it was a matter of life or death?...maybe...OK, I am dramatic, but I have the perfect excuse: I am a Latin Woman, what did you expect? I grew up watching telenovelas.
The act/art/fact of "being here, now". I can scan my body, I can see my thoughts and not judge them, it helped a lot. I was moderately sane again, even happy some days and even more importantly, I recovered the ability to enjoy my children.
However, when the time came to make tough decisions, I got overcome with fears: fear of doing the wrong thing, of being alone, of being broke, of physical and/or mental illness, of not being a good parent...the worst one: fear of never being able to be happy, "what if it is me? non-conformist, enternally unhappy little sort that throws everything away because she doesn't get enough cuddles."
Right enters A New Earth. I started reading this book from the middle, from the part where it didn't feel like everything I had always done was wrong, where there was some hope for screwed up me.
Tying up with Mindfulness there is Presence. Reading a few pages of A New Earth has revealed a deeply known but dormant truth ...presence is not the same as thoughts about being present...
I'll leave you with that, for now, be here, don't think about it, just be...
The act/art/fact of "being here, now". I can scan my body, I can see my thoughts and not judge them, it helped a lot. I was moderately sane again, even happy some days and even more importantly, I recovered the ability to enjoy my children.
However, when the time came to make tough decisions, I got overcome with fears: fear of doing the wrong thing, of being alone, of being broke, of physical and/or mental illness, of not being a good parent...the worst one: fear of never being able to be happy, "what if it is me? non-conformist, enternally unhappy little sort that throws everything away because she doesn't get enough cuddles."
Right enters A New Earth. I started reading this book from the middle, from the part where it didn't feel like everything I had always done was wrong, where there was some hope for screwed up me.
Tying up with Mindfulness there is Presence. Reading a few pages of A New Earth has revealed a deeply known but dormant truth ...presence is not the same as thoughts about being present...
I'll leave you with that, for now, be here, don't think about it, just be...
