I'm told that my blog is the official version of what's going on in my life. I have also been told that it is all about feelings and not so much about facts. It is interesting how words that one reads can be interpreted according to our own expectations, our own stakes on the matter.
All I have to say is that this is my truth at the moment I write it. I could write a personal dialogue with you, but that might prove to be not so interesting, especially if it's just me writing.
After my trip I have settled into my new life with a busy and tight schedule, not much room for error, in which case, one or all of those involved could be late, out of a meal or missing out on some acivity. It keeps me busy and mostly away from too much thinking. There is a lot going on, but I am finding it relatively simple as I grow more centered in my own life. Be where I am, who I am, do what I do. Do not fight emotions, talk when words flow out. Burst into tears when I cannot longer hold them back, even if that makes someone else cringe.
Sometimes we hear some things and not others that are just as true. We might think that there is an agenda behind them and fail to hear the meaning of the words being said. They are expressing their truth but we are only listening to our own thoughts. It is a difficult but important exercise to listen. Only by being still in our heads can we see other people for who they truly are. I am able to find beauty in the truth that comes through the words, but only if I stand still.
It is easy to judge me because I open up like this, to you. I have never claimed to be a beacon of enlightement. I welcome you here, you take what you need, hopefully you'll be open too and find what comes from my heart. If we are only too lucky we will communicate directly.
Last Sunday I went out with a new friend, we went to dinner and on our way stopped briefly at one of my favourite dance places. I wished I could have stayed but my friend is not a dancer so we left. The fact is that my life is changing and what use to fit in the time I have might not be possible anymore.
On Wednesday night I took the train into town, it always amazes me that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I attempt in this new life to make it feel like home, where I want to be for many years, experiencing a full life, knowing that there will be sweet and not so sweet times, friends, ex-friends, future friends, unfriends and some that evolve into a new type of relationship for this new life.
On Thursday the floodgates opened and I cried a river at the loss of a close relationship. Things always change, relationships are notorious shape-shifters, we all know that. It is part of my learning experience to accept this. I know that there is no way back, only forward.
Today my eyes were dry as I cleaned up my desk for another big adventure to start...
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Inner Purpose
I am nearing the end of "A New Earth" a non-book book. A book that transcends the written pages, form.
At this point I am at peace with the knowledge that my inner purpose is to be where I am, doing what I am doing. At first it was quite difficult, something in my head kept telling me that what I was doing was not important. Something else, at a different location, either in the future or the past was better and more worthy of my time.
Obviously this is an illusion. Even during the happy moments of the past, or when we were the person we believe we were, even then, we were somewhere else. It is just now that the past has developed itself like a Polaroid that the image gels in our minds as perfect. We might want to go back to that stage, but it cannot happen as we are always changing with time, in a progression of events that alter us forever.
Thinking too much about the future is the same. In fact, there is no image of the future without memory. All there is, existing beyond the present is an illusion of our brains. A mere collection of thoughts strengthened by...thinking.
I personally enjoy "dreaming" about the future. Imagining my children as grown-ups, being happy and well adjusted makes my heart melt. I understand that there are no guarantees. However, most importantly, I have come to understand that the quality of the future depends on the quality of the present. Learning and growing makes us better, as long as we keep ourselves true to who we are inside, keep our ego in check and allow it to step off centre stage.
My inner purpose now is to finish typing, to end this bubble of expression.
Good night, thanks for being here tonight.
E.
At this point I am at peace with the knowledge that my inner purpose is to be where I am, doing what I am doing. At first it was quite difficult, something in my head kept telling me that what I was doing was not important. Something else, at a different location, either in the future or the past was better and more worthy of my time.
Obviously this is an illusion. Even during the happy moments of the past, or when we were the person we believe we were, even then, we were somewhere else. It is just now that the past has developed itself like a Polaroid that the image gels in our minds as perfect. We might want to go back to that stage, but it cannot happen as we are always changing with time, in a progression of events that alter us forever.
Thinking too much about the future is the same. In fact, there is no image of the future without memory. All there is, existing beyond the present is an illusion of our brains. A mere collection of thoughts strengthened by...thinking.
I personally enjoy "dreaming" about the future. Imagining my children as grown-ups, being happy and well adjusted makes my heart melt. I understand that there are no guarantees. However, most importantly, I have come to understand that the quality of the future depends on the quality of the present. Learning and growing makes us better, as long as we keep ourselves true to who we are inside, keep our ego in check and allow it to step off centre stage.
My inner purpose now is to finish typing, to end this bubble of expression.
Good night, thanks for being here tonight.
E.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Saggitarius Moon
I'm back. Flying into Sydney early in the morning is great. The sun is just out and you land in a brand new Australian day. I appreciate living in this city, as beautiful as they come.
The flights were good, packed with people poured in from different airlines. The greener option perhaps, but not a chance of stretching a bit on to the next economy seat. After 23 hours in the air and numerous security checks, including having a French woman in uniform hand search me. I am officially tired and jetlagged.
I also noticed how "home" is unsettling. It is full of history, with its happy times and also its recent trying times. The beauty of being away for two weeks is that I could block some of the those painful memories and concentrate in the present. The temptation is then to change again my environment to move far away and start a new life. The desire to travel and move countries is apparently evident in my astrological chart as a Saggitarius Moon. I blame it on on that.
I start to wonder how some people can live in the same place all their lives, obviously there is something for me to learn. Sticking with things that I have perceived as painful wears me out and I have become used to removing myself from these situations. I see now that my learning should be geared to not see these things as painful or negative but as see them as they are.
The truth is that nothing that happens can make me less or more than what I know myself to be. The truth needs no defense.
True, I felt a little pinch when I arrived to no one waiting for me at the airport. I heard that little voice, all too familiar "If I had someone in my life, he would be here", but I decided to keep my head down, let it go and not dwell on it. I grabbed a taxi in silence. Came home to my own quiet place, had a shower, put on clean pjs and went to bed. Bliss. Still feeling whole.
I am getting ready to go to my favourite dance spot. I am nervous of landing back into my soup of emotions, rather than being the potato on the spoon as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I'll be grateful for the exercise. I will attempt to dance in presence.
See you soon,
E.
The flights were good, packed with people poured in from different airlines. The greener option perhaps, but not a chance of stretching a bit on to the next economy seat. After 23 hours in the air and numerous security checks, including having a French woman in uniform hand search me. I am officially tired and jetlagged.
I also noticed how "home" is unsettling. It is full of history, with its happy times and also its recent trying times. The beauty of being away for two weeks is that I could block some of the those painful memories and concentrate in the present. The temptation is then to change again my environment to move far away and start a new life. The desire to travel and move countries is apparently evident in my astrological chart as a Saggitarius Moon. I blame it on on that.
I start to wonder how some people can live in the same place all their lives, obviously there is something for me to learn. Sticking with things that I have perceived as painful wears me out and I have become used to removing myself from these situations. I see now that my learning should be geared to not see these things as painful or negative but as see them as they are.
The truth is that nothing that happens can make me less or more than what I know myself to be. The truth needs no defense.
True, I felt a little pinch when I arrived to no one waiting for me at the airport. I heard that little voice, all too familiar "If I had someone in my life, he would be here", but I decided to keep my head down, let it go and not dwell on it. I grabbed a taxi in silence. Came home to my own quiet place, had a shower, put on clean pjs and went to bed. Bliss. Still feeling whole.
I am getting ready to go to my favourite dance spot. I am nervous of landing back into my soup of emotions, rather than being the potato on the spoon as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I'll be grateful for the exercise. I will attempt to dance in presence.
See you soon,
E.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Walking in Europe
Bonjour mes amis,
Greetings from Paris. I am happy to be here and to be writing while drinking a glass of French red. The rain has stopped, but it is still cloudy and chilly.
I am alone but I feel whole. I'd like to have some company to talk and to share this experience. I often think of my children and how things would look through their eyes. My eldest is a traveller, even at this young age I see that he has inherited the wandering gene, he would enjoy seeing the Tour Eiffel with his own eyes and I hope he will, in a not far future.
It is hard to describe the range of emotions that I am going through in this trip. In a way, it marks the beginning of a new life for me, as an adult in the world, unattached to any other and yet being held by the invisible net made out of life itself. An adult that can be comfortable and happy in her own. For the first time in my life, I don't "need" anyone and I surprise myself feeling secure like this.
Every day of this trip brings me a step closer to where I want to be. I am grateful for the people I have met along the way, they are catalysts for change and bring love into my life, the joy of being. Moreover, they allow me to see my own humanity and to appreciate it.
Riding the Metro I practice bringing my presence into the experience. It is not the means to an end, it is where I want to be at that precise moment. This feeling is quite powerful and sobering. It helps that I am the least turistic of all tourists. It takes me a minute to see the sights, after which I am ready to walk. It soothes me. The feeling of the new places is a more likely souvenir.
Au revoir,
Love,
Eve
Greetings from Paris. I am happy to be here and to be writing while drinking a glass of French red. The rain has stopped, but it is still cloudy and chilly.
I am alone but I feel whole. I'd like to have some company to talk and to share this experience. I often think of my children and how things would look through their eyes. My eldest is a traveller, even at this young age I see that he has inherited the wandering gene, he would enjoy seeing the Tour Eiffel with his own eyes and I hope he will, in a not far future.
It is hard to describe the range of emotions that I am going through in this trip. In a way, it marks the beginning of a new life for me, as an adult in the world, unattached to any other and yet being held by the invisible net made out of life itself. An adult that can be comfortable and happy in her own. For the first time in my life, I don't "need" anyone and I surprise myself feeling secure like this.
Every day of this trip brings me a step closer to where I want to be. I am grateful for the people I have met along the way, they are catalysts for change and bring love into my life, the joy of being. Moreover, they allow me to see my own humanity and to appreciate it.
Riding the Metro I practice bringing my presence into the experience. It is not the means to an end, it is where I want to be at that precise moment. This feeling is quite powerful and sobering. It helps that I am the least turistic of all tourists. It takes me a minute to see the sights, after which I am ready to walk. It soothes me. The feeling of the new places is a more likely souvenir.
Au revoir,
Love,
Eve
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)