Bring it!

As a child, New Year's Eve was my favourite holiday. Waking up to a crisp sunny day was energising. The festivities would start early at home, where all activities revolved around the kitchen. People in and out constantly,  everyone seemed to be an authority on what was cooking, having a peek in the oven every few minutes. No wonder the blooming roast took so long to cook!

Us kids did all things in between helping and not helping, inclusive. In the evening we'd just wear our best clothes and wait for the New Year after dinner. Waiting consisted of running: in and out the house, up and down the stairs, around the diningroom table, to and away from the fireworks, up and down our neighbour's steep driveway, among other peculiar unexplicable to-and-fro's.

As the 12 campanadas approached everyone gathered together, grapes ready to eat, one per bell ring, money in hand, suitcase near the door, and more traditions that I can remember. Counting down from 10, I swear you could hear the whole 'hood exploding in a big cheer at midnight. At that point we could leave behind all the things  we didn't like about the previous year and embrace a brand new one, full of possibilities.

I suspect that that was how I learned to be excited about the opportunities a new year brings, a time when nothing else matters, but the joy of being together in a positive environment, surrounded by fun, laughter and celebration.

Special memories: my cousin and I running to the front garden looking for the first person of the new year. My gorgeous neighbours, a couple who were young and oh so stylish. My daddy's face full of excitement, now I realise probably putting it on for us. Trailing behind dad through the neighbourhood, where there was an open-door policy, well, at least at the houses where the door was open.

Things are different for me these days. I take my kids to watch the fireworks on the bridge and we join the best part of a million people on the "ooooohs and ahhhhs" of the event. And yes, I'm excited, for me and for them, I would like them to embrace their world and the opportunities that are available to them, every day.

We can say with certainty that there will be challenges and blessings  in 2011, and you'll be reading about mine in this space, sorry, that's just the way blogging works. I am grateful that you are here, as each person in my life, far or near, brings a lesson for me to learn. You do know about the butterfly effect, don't you?

Looking forward. Today of all days, let's celebrate!

E.
x

Happy Holidays

It's the day before Christmas and I wanted to wish you all, happiness for the festivities and success for the new year.

May you measure success by the richness of your life and your ability to live each moment. My top three picks to cultivate today: Health, Courage and Love, as they will serve you in the future.

Keeping your family close is not always possible, so keep them in your heart as you travel far away. And as you walk through your life, chose your friends well, they are family brought to you by life itself. Take care of learning their language, embrace them often. Touch, smile, go to the beach, run.

Have fun!

This photograph was sent to me by a talented friend, please enjoy. (Merci, François!!)

Ps. I love my father, even though I'm absolute rubbish at keeping in touch...Feliz Navidad y Prospero Año Nuevo, papá!

TQM,

E.

Coming out

OK, you have waited enough for an update. I appreciate your patience and your continuous support, you know who you are. You'll be pleased to know that I've been writing a bit, however it all has gone unpublished, until now.

Here is the deal; throughout my life I have felt heavily the fear of being criticised. Disapproval from people that I hold in high regards, just kills me. It is time for me to free myself for good. Maybe starting by changing the tense on that sentence. 

Criticism used to eat at my sense of safety. The feeling that something terrible could happen is just an expression of my ego, wanting to identify itself with an image that I particularly found very appealing, a correct and proper, smarty pants Ms. Goodytwoshoes-esque personification of myself. 

But you see, next year marks the 40th anniversary of my birth, ah the big 4-O!. As my birthday present I am giving myself permission to admit to those little things that a previous version of me would have purposedly hidden. Don't worry, I'm still proper enough not to overshare* or divulge information without consent. In addition, names will be changed to protect the innocent and the once-upon-a-time-innocent.

(Drum roll)

For the past few weeks I have had a full profile, up and visible, with one of those internet services designed to get you exactly what you want (conditions apply) for a modest sum, or for free if you're really eye-catching. I'm referring to nothing but Australia's largest dating website. Judge away, I'll continue my story in the mean time.

My experience so far has been one of the most interesting in a long time. I find myself surprised by the richness in the humanity of it all. At times, I've been moved by other people's stories, some with uncanny similarities to my own and some very different, all worthy of my respect. 

Filling out a form describing my ideal partner was interesting, having people match themselves to my form was a step up from interesting, finding out what actually suits me is a revelation in progress.

To be continued...

E.

* thank you for this word, Ultra D

Marriage at the End

When someone asked me recently if I believed in marriage I had to pause and think about it. If you have known me for a while, you know that I rarely have a straight answer due to the fact that there are many aspects to all things. Because marriage is a lot more complicated once you have been part of one, I had to think twice as long, actually still thinking about it.

I believe that two people can live together and be each other's best friend, love each other everyday, be loyal and considerate. Essentially happy, enriching each other's lives for a very long time. There shall be disagreements, individuality, quirky things that the other one can't understand. There could be watching each other grow older, some be ill, some recover. Probably there would be hot times and cold times, ups and downs, hopefully the ups will be higher than the downs can be low. The main ingredients would appear to be a strong friendship, openness and a positive attitude. Yes, sex too.

What I don't believe is that you can call it in advance. There is no way to know how we will change, where life will take us, next month, next year, let alone the rest of our lives. We make choices everyday and feel that we have control, but sometimes life chooses us for something unexpected. There might be a lesson that we must learn alone, a path that does not suit the other person.

With marriage we are going on faith that we can stick to a relationship through thick and thin forever, based on what we feel or think at a very specific moment. The almighty love, the one that feels like it will last forever, is probably what changes the quickest, all of the sudden we find ourselves wondering "where did the freaking thing go?, it was just here!" I'm afraid I have no better answer than "where all lost socks go."

Saying all this, if you are married, a believer in getting hitched forever, please disregard my rant. Power on! I will be the first to support your efforts, cheer you on and lend you an ear for when you need to. It's a sincere offer, in case there are cynical people lurking.

I won't get married again, but because by saying that I'd be contradicting my own premise of finding flaws in calling things in advance. I'd say that if it happens it might go something like "Cicero*, my love, can you believe we've been together for 30 years? how about we celebrate by getting married?"

It's better that way.  I can also assure you that I won't be dissapointed if 30 years down the track my 4yo is not a paleonthologist.

xx
Evelia

*Name has been changed to protect the unknown hypothetical husband

Standing Still

Imagine that you are a the centre of a pack of dogs. You stand while they look away from you. Some of these dogs are fast runners, some are ferocious and dangerous, while some are tame and kind. All of them, however, are entirely familiar to you, you are their minder since they were born.

Imagine now that something stirs them up, you become alert. One of the dogs, a particularly strong one, decides to take off. You feel the tug on the lead you tightly hold, your heart is beating faster, the pull becomes stronger and you lose your balance, ending up dragged along a path that you know won't end up at a pleasant place. Bruised and scraped you recover in the end, a bit far from home, where you belong.

The dogs of thought

Let go of the leash. Feel the tug on your arm but release the tension, instead of pulling or following. Let the dog run, watch it run into the horizon until it becomes a dot to then disappear. You might feel sad, light headed and out of balance, wondering what to do. Just stand and sooner or later the plan will reveal itself

in Stillness

Evelia

~ The Invitation ~

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

New Life

I'm told that my blog is the official version of what's going on in my life. I have also been told that it is all about feelings and not so much about facts. It is interesting how words that one reads can be interpreted according to our own expectations, our own stakes on the matter.

All I have to say is that this is my truth at the moment I write it. I could write a personal dialogue with you, but that might prove to be not so interesting, especially if it's just me writing.

After my trip I have settled into my new life with a busy and tight schedule, not much room for error, in which case, one or all of those involved could be late, out of a meal or missing out on some acivity. It keeps me busy and mostly away from too much thinking. There is a lot going on, but I am finding it relatively simple as I grow more centered in my own life. Be where I am, who I am, do what I do. Do not fight emotions, talk when words flow out. Burst into tears when I cannot longer hold them back, even if that makes someone else cringe.

Sometimes we hear some things and not others that are just as true. We might think that there is an agenda behind them and fail to hear the meaning of the words being said. They are expressing their truth but we are only listening to our own thoughts. It is a difficult but important exercise to listen. Only by being still in our heads can we see other people for who they truly are. I am able to find beauty in the truth that comes through the words, but only if I stand still.

It is easy to judge me because I open up like this, to you. I have never claimed to be a beacon of enlightement. I welcome you here, you take what you need, hopefully you'll be open too and find what comes from my heart. If we are only too lucky we will communicate directly.

Last Sunday I went out with a new friend, we went to dinner and on our way stopped briefly at one of my favourite dance places. I wished I could have stayed but my friend is not a dancer so we left. The fact is that my life is changing and what use to fit in the time I have might not be possible anymore.

On Wednesday night I took the train into town, it always amazes me that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I attempt in this new life to make it feel like home, where I want to be for many years, experiencing a full life, knowing that there will be sweet and not so sweet times, friends, ex-friends, future friends, unfriends and some that evolve into a new type of relationship for this new life.

On Thursday the floodgates opened and I cried a river at the loss of a close relationship. Things always change, relationships are notorious shape-shifters, we all know that. It is part of my learning experience to accept this. I know that there is no way back, only forward.

Today my eyes were dry as I cleaned up my desk for another big adventure to start...

Inner Purpose

I am nearing the end of "A New Earth" a non-book book. A book that transcends the written pages, form.

At this point I am at peace with the knowledge that my inner purpose is to be where I am, doing what I am doing. At first it was quite difficult, something in my head kept telling me that what I was doing was not important. Something else, at a different location, either in the future or the past was better and more worthy of my time.

Obviously this is an illusion. Even during the happy moments of the past, or when we were the person we believe we were, even then, we were somewhere else. It is just now that the past has developed itself like a Polaroid that the image gels in our minds as perfect. We might want to go back to that stage, but it cannot happen as we are always changing with time, in a progression of events that alter us forever.

Thinking too much about the future is the same. In fact, there is no image of the future without memory. All there is, existing beyond the present is an illusion of our brains. A mere collection of thoughts strengthened by...thinking.

I personally enjoy "dreaming" about the future. Imagining my children as grown-ups, being happy and well adjusted makes my heart melt. I understand that there are no guarantees. However, most importantly, I have come to understand that the quality of the future depends on the quality of the present. Learning and growing makes us better, as long as we keep ourselves true to who we are inside, keep our ego in check and allow it to step off centre stage.

My inner purpose now is to finish typing, to end this bubble of expression.
Good night, thanks for being here tonight.

E.

Saggitarius Moon

I'm back. Flying into Sydney early in the morning is great. The sun is just out and you land in a brand new Australian day. I appreciate living in this city, as beautiful as they come.

The flights were good, packed with people poured in from different airlines. The greener option perhaps, but not a chance of stretching a bit on to the next economy seat. After 23 hours in the air and numerous security checks, including having a French woman in uniform hand search me. I am officially tired and jetlagged.

I also noticed how "home" is unsettling. It is full of history, with its happy times and also its recent trying times. The beauty of being away for two weeks is that I could block some of the those painful memories and concentrate in the present. The temptation is then to change again my environment to move far away and start a new life. The desire to travel and move countries is apparently evident in my astrological chart as a Saggitarius Moon. I blame it on on that.

I start to wonder how some people can live in the same place all their lives, obviously there is something for me to learn. Sticking with things that I have perceived as painful wears me out and I have become used to removing myself from these situations. I see now that my learning should be geared to not see these things as painful or negative but as see them as they are.

The truth is that nothing that happens can make me less or more than what I know myself to be. The truth needs no defense.

True, I felt a little pinch when I arrived to no one waiting for me at the airport. I heard that little voice, all too familiar "If I had someone in my life, he would be here", but I decided to keep my head down, let it go and not dwell on it. I grabbed a taxi in silence. Came home to my own quiet place, had a shower, put on clean pjs and went to bed. Bliss. Still feeling whole.

I am getting ready to go to my favourite dance spot. I am nervous of landing back into my soup of emotions, rather than being the potato on the spoon as I have been in the last couple of weeks. I'll be grateful for the exercise. I will attempt to dance in presence.

See you soon,
E.

Walking in Europe

Bonjour mes amis,

Greetings from Paris. I am happy to be here and to be writing while drinking a glass of French red. The rain has stopped, but it is still cloudy and chilly.

I am alone but I feel whole. I'd like to have some company to talk and to share this experience. I often think of my children and how things would look through their eyes. My eldest is a traveller, even at this young age I see that he has inherited the wandering gene, he would enjoy seeing the Tour Eiffel with his own eyes and I hope he will, in a not far future.

It is hard to describe the range of emotions that I am going through in this trip. In a way, it marks the beginning of a new life for me, as an adult in the world, unattached to any other and yet being held by the invisible net made out of life itself. An adult that can be comfortable and happy in her own. For the first time in my life, I don't "need" anyone and I surprise myself feeling secure like this.

Every day of this trip brings me a step closer to where I want to be. I am grateful for the people I have met along the way, they are catalysts for change and bring love into my life, the joy of being. Moreover, they allow me to see my own humanity and to appreciate it.

Riding the Metro I practice bringing my presence into the experience. It is not the means to an end, it is where I want to be at that precise moment. This feeling is quite powerful and sobering. It helps that I am the least turistic of all tourists. It takes me a minute to see the sights, after which I am ready to walk. It soothes me. The feeling of the new places is a more likely souvenir.

Au revoir,

Love,
Eve

About to take off

It has been a while since I wrote. No, it isn't that I am stopping after a given number, as it seems to be the trend of blogs in general, nor is that I'm too happy to write. My absence was mostly due to my recent move, remember?

In a big push from a few kind people, my things were shifted to my current life. Thank you, forever. I hope you enjoyed the wine, if you didn't get one it's because you went away and haven't come back yet.

It has taken me a few weeks to set up and settle myself into my new address. Having lived in the same appartment in the past, I have to say that I am enjoying it better this time around.

The children seem calm and happy, even if they have been a bit put out by travelling between houses. Yes, it is sad that they have to be put out by the break down of their parents relationship. However, the option was no better. They need parents that have courage to live their own lives and be as healthy and happy as they can be, together or separate.

I feel that my life is about to take off in a new direction, where life wants to take me, where I will be the most useful and fulfilled. I am still dealing with some issues, but I am whole, no longer broken. Ok, there are chips on my edges that are hurting at this very moment, but in time I'll get the little pieces glued back on

Uncertainty at this point is not a big concern. Part of it is my upcoming, as of this afternoon, business trip to Europe.

I expect to blog from Germany or France, adding photos of my jetlagged self with maybe one or two of you.

All my love,

Evelia

Fight not - Tiredness

These days physical tiredness seems to be my companion, coming to the forefront several times a day. I realise that this is normal for some people. For me however, feeling like a need a nap in the middle of the day, to the point of not being able to focus my vision is a very new event.

Maybe it is getting older, maybe it is the state of my life affairs. The main issue lies on the additional layer of pain that this produces. Or to putting in the right order, the pain caused by me fighting the fact that I feel this way. I think that I have written about this before. I'm starting to chase my own tail, would someone just throw a tennis ball, or something.?

It is possible that the tiredness is linked to my decreasing levels of exercise. I'm not sure where the balance point is between exercise and rest. In any case, tomorrow we will start a running programme from day 1. Initially, there are short runs between walking intervals. There are a couple of reasons why I want to do what might seem a step back.

Numero Uno: I want to rebuild my fitness by strengthening the support muscles that I need, gently, slowly.
Numero Dos: I need to have the patience to walk, to take a step at a time, specially when I feel like bolting down the road and never turning back; or when in the contrary, I feel so tired that I could fall asleep standing.
Numero Tres: the experience of a running buddy. Having never had one before I am looking forward to it.

I have been a bit of a loner who whinges about loneliness. In this new chapter of my life, I would like to stop the bad habit of missing on making friends because I am too worried about my own thoughts. I remember thinking a few years back something along the lines of "if I didn't worry, what would I do with my time?". Well, I am willing to find out.

This is a big week for me, having just celebrated the 8th anniversary of having entered the parent realm. I feel like I am ready to stop trying to play the role of parent. From now on, being a parent will not be that unattainable idea of perfection that I cannot fulfill. Probably, it won't look any different on the exterior from what I already do. However, there won't be a gap between me and the role my head has demanded for years for me to play, unsuccessful to my own standards and therefore causing of pain.

I am bad at playing roles, mainly because my expectations are ridiculously high, maybe even purposedly built in such way that I can suffer about not being good enough.*sigh* the games of a bored ego *sigh*

The time has also come for me to leave the relative "safety" of my current life. I am moving on, starting a new chapter in my life. At the start of my separated status, moving to a separate room was a relief, a necessity. I was fine like that for awhile, having my own safe little nook surrounded by things I loved. Although I realise that they are only things, they signify my desire to have a home. A place where I can be myself without the expectation of being plowed by disdain. After 15 months, I have come to the conclusion that I have outgrown my space.

A conclusion not reached without a great amount of struggle. Was I capable of going through with moving away from the one person with whom I've lived most of my adult life? did I not get all I want already? and what about my children? my dreams of a family? the joy listening to the voices early in the morning, every morning? Am I capable of going through life on my own, which is essentially what I need to be prepared to do? I have no answers to these questions, as I cannot predict the future. However, I believe that there is option but to move forward and out, to fully experience the change, to break away and independent is the only way for me at this point.

Looking at my anxiety charts a few days ago, it is evident to me that this struggle was what caused it to spike again. I am however, entering a stage where there is more of me, in all I do. Less fear and worry, more presence, more laughter.

I am tempted to say "I'm so happy that my back is good, if at least I didn't feel physically exhausted..." but it turns out that I am also tired of fighting what is, and that what I cannot immediately change...so I surrender, close my eyes and go to sleep.


Good night,
Evelia <3

I live

I love writing. I love the smell of warm milk and the sound of the French language.

I love dancing. I love feeling the strength of my own body.

I love kindness, openness and closeness.

I love the warmth of skin just out of bed. I love sunny skies, blue as far as the eye can see.

I love eye contact. I love honesty, sleep, dreaming and beautiful things.

I love dark chocolate, voices, small gestures. I love thoughtfulness, spontaneous adventures, respect and generosity.

I love being loved, there is nothing like seeing that softness in another person's eyes when they love me.

For that, I live.

Following the string

It comes a time after all the learning, when it is time to put in practice what one has come to understand. To demonstrate understanding is not measurable, but when it comes to matters of the soul, it should be felt. The point is not to demonstrate outwardly, but to be at peace with one's decisions.

Today I grieve, for the loss of a relationship. In a way, I understand that this is grief for all the loses passed and the current. For the loss of the dream had, and the ones that never actually took shape. For the loss of giving all and being mislead in exchange.

If it sounds like pain body and ego having a big party drinking themselves silly, well, I'd have to agree. In the background, there is the quiet presence, watching, trying not to fight what it is.

Is it possible to feel pain now and not to relate it straight back to what happened last Monday, last month, last year, or 25 years ago? yes, it is. Is it easy? no, it isn't, at least not yet for me.

This morning I did a survey to evaluate my levels of anxiety, I scored only marginally better than a year ago. This result makes me feel a bit puzzled because I believe I had made a lot of progress managing it. But maybe I am just trapped in my hamster wheel in a never ending attempt at something that is not even in sight.


In my defense, I must say that last week was difficult given that I'm about to take yet another big step in my life. I am moving house. Reason tells me that it will be good for me. The well informed tell me so as well. Pain body and ego want nothing to do with it. The thought of having my children come and go guts me, and I don't seem to have a way to reconcile that with all the learning I have gone through in the last year and a half.

When do we get to dream and move forward in this process? Or is the aim of life to just sit and accept all? accept discomfort? accept being used?

"There is no certainties in anyone's life", I keep repeating to myself. "Just hang in there, something good will come out of all this", others tell me.

I just watch what happens, and follow the string attached to my belly, like Sue Monk Kidd describes in The Dance of The Dissident Daughter. Walking, one step at a time.

Intermezzo - A wish

In the same way that we fling our wishes in the air, hoping they gently land on the wing of an magic being flying pass, so the light shines upon me. 

The river that flows inside that mixes my being with the Earth, that makes me nature itself. I want to flow on the earth, flow as my life is long, I want to hold in my hands the  truth that beats with every step of every day and every minute and every breath. 

I give myself to life, the cold wind on my face I will not fear, I will not shake anymore, I won't fight it if I do.

Let my tears flow if they may, but never doubt that there is a day ahead when the sun will shine just for me, as I am nature and the sun I carry inside will glow for me and others. 

May I be happy, may now be my treasure, my company, my best friend. 

May you be there too. 

May we dance the night away, may we see each other's light and embrace it.

Pain-body and my story

If you thought that my last post was a bit heavy, it is maybe because my pain-body was activated, making me feel sorry for myself. And what is this "pain-body" I speak about? together with ego, it is the other main entity that tends to render people unconscious, masking with pain a life that by all standards seems liveable and pretty alright.

Pain-body is emotional energy that feeds on our personal history. It was easy for me to comprehend this concept because I have carried emotional stuff all my life. Almost every event can be linked back to a chain of past painful events, thoughts that built upon themselves and make up a story. I have questioned myself often as to why I seem to have a better recollection of negative events. Trauma perhaps, or maybe it is the fact that briging up the memory and building a story around it makes us relive the experience. How much of that experience is fact, after we dress it up with all kinds of tragic connotations?

The power that comes with detaching ourselves from our story is great. In "A New Earth", Eckhart Tolle, tells us that it only takes an instant to lose the identification with our pain-body. If you try it, you will see that it is true. However, I've likened this identification to a bad habit, we do it because we are used to. I have found myself sometimes, idling towards a story, past or future, without even being aware of it. The result is pain, ready to interfere with my decisions and send me into a downward spiral of fear and suffering.

Pain-body feeds on drama. Some of us create drama to feel alive, maybe in the hope that all this suffering will be rewarded one day with a happy ending. "Amor que no es del todo dolor no es del todo amor" I learned in my chama days. Drama is part of my cultural background, if you don't believe me, do tell me, in which other culture is it legal to name a person "Dolores", which can be translated as pain and/or suffering?

One of the challenges is then to break the habit, especially in situations where we react before even formulating a thought. Preparation, knowing the triggers come to mind as a strategy.

My personal pain-body has the watermark of abandonment. At the time of my first formal dealings with anxiety in 2004, my greatest fear in life was being left by my partner, if I became ill or incapacitated. It sounds very complex, but in defense of my story, there were more than one trigger confabulating to feed this fear, mainly being far away from my family, having had surgery and ending up with pneumonia as a side effect. I felt alone and scared, terrified of my own thoughts. Since then, being a bit ill has become a trigger for activating my pain-body. A backache, is not just that, but a feeling of my body failing, of my life entering a dark place. It is obvious to me that I am capable of building a lot of emotional pain on to a backache.

Recently, someone told me that I look sore when I am in physical pain. Pain-body is recognisable, I see it in other people, therefore I am sure I show it too, probably, surely, more than my actual physical pain.

Sometimes when I am out and about I see people whose bodies are being seriously challenged, some cope better than others. I do not presume to know what it is like to be any of those people, in fact I know nothing about them, other than what my knowledge of physics tells me. And I wonder "how would I feel if my body were to dramatically change?" or even "how would I cope with getting old when my body starts indeed failing?", then I remind myself to breath.

Along with some exciting design work I did this week, I listened to audio of Eckhart Tolle on Oprah answering a question from a caller who has suffered Lupus for years and who is in chronic pain, this got my attention. His advice was simple, to break the identification with the illness, she should find wellbeing in nature, and in those places in her body where it exists; do not talk about the illness with anyone but her doctors, while doing all the necessary to help herself.

The more we talk about our story, the more the pain-body feeds, the more negative thoughts occur. The way I see it, breaking free of pain-body is like the quitting smoking of the emotional world, ten times over at the very least. You can quit easily, in fact smokers do it often.

If I believed in God, I would pray to never lose my faculties, to gently and gracefully age with enough time adapt to every change, to never find myself alone when I'm in fear of pain, or actual pain and death. I ask the universe instead, knowing that there are no guarantees, and still taking care of this body, to allow me the space to not attach myself to pain and suffering, and to not struggle with what is happening now.

à bientôt
Evelia

Love and ego

This morning, as I was talking to a friend, I realised that "something" has left me. There is a distinct lack of pain, as if things have gone quiet inside. It is unusual, and somehow disconcerting. I am not qualifying this shift as good or bad, just different.

Then in the afternoon I felt as if a humming, or vibration had been suddenly turned off, landing me on a school playground with voices of mothers chatting around me. Part of me is feeling anxious about this change, perhaps feeling anxious about the lack of anxiety. The other part is running with it, reassuring me that it is fine; that the cloud that has clung heavily over my head all these months, maybe years, is lifting. "I hope to be here tomorrow" says my anxious self .

Yesterday my internet was very slow, therefore no blog was written. What has been floating in my head is my relationship with relationships, how I approach them and what they mean to me.

To sum what relationships with other people mean to me, I must say that from an early age nothing has been as important, or has occupied so much of my thinking time than my relationships with other people. Everything else pales in comparison, mostly because everything else is much less complicated or interesting.

I am a keen people observer. I can see the fluttering of thoughts and perceive subtle changes in body language, and as we know, most communication is unspoken. For a while, people's reactions toward me became my most important preoccupation and source of worry.

As a child, to be loved and approved of was my main motivation for doing well at school or behaving appropriately. As a teenager, it was just great to be allowed to indulge in romantic stories that played in my head over and over. In them, there were all kinds of passionate twists and turns, with the underlying assumption of being so irresistibly special that one day I would meet an equally irresistible man and we'd love each other forever.

Even though, I didn't have a strong desire for a "princess wedding", I learned to have a high expectation of my relationships with men. A good dose of self-respect and dignity are appropriate. But I recognise now to have allowed my ego to dominate, which made me feel as if I hadn't have enough, needed more, wanted more.

"In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. The alert attention is Presence." Eckhart Tolle. A New Earth.

In the quote by Eckhart tolle, I can see the focus should be on giving rather than receiving. The ego wants more and will never be satisfied, so it does make sense to be all giving and unattached. This is not very difficult with one's own children and even dear friends. However, love relationships without the interference of ego are an interesting proposition.

If a relationship is based on the idea of being ever changing and finite, then is it worth having at all? If I don't know whether it is going to end tomorrow, and I shouldn't be attached to whether it does or not, then what keeps me there? why is it a human inclination to pair up, if there is no benefit in attachment? is it mere reproduction? or just temporary fun? why are then chemical mechanisms in our bodies that encourage bonding?

Is there a contradiction between the concept of non-attachment and the fact that there is certain calmness in the thought of permanence, in the thought of having a person to come to? And yet, we know that all things are impermanent. I understand that certainty is a fabrication of our minds, but maybe there are good fabrications.

I have to say that I am not particularly hopeful about love relationships at the moment. Despite my support people being so optimistic about my future, it makes me a bit sad to admit that I am hardly hoping for another hard haul in the loving depatment. There is also a small part of me that feels undeserving. 

One could say that my self-esteem is low. But, am I not heading into a spiritual path based in part on losing my sense of entitlement? Maybe there is a kind of self-esteem that makes us easy pray of suffering, and another kind that says "I am ok no matters what happens"; the one that allows us to dream of a nicer future. I actually see no evidence of that being the case. However, there might be hope as I haven't even read half of the book.

I always wanted a deep and meaningful relationship with people with whom I am close. In the last ten years that changed very little, even though everything else has changed a lot. With a partner this is still my ideal, which has proven elusive and seems unattainable. There is however, evidence of other people thinking that is possible.

About a year ago, in a winter's day not unlike this gloomy, still day, as I waited in a daze to find out what those little lumps on my breast were, I wandered into a bookshop and found a couple of books that have become favourites.

In one of them "And Never Stop Dancing, thirty more things you need to know now" by Gordon Livingstone, I found a bit of relief in the idea that if we choose a partner with "ample reserves of kindness, capacity to forgive and willingness to put us at the centre of his or her life", then we could put down our weapons and enjoy renewable love. Of course, to be deserving of such partner we should cultivate those qualities in ourselves.

Maybe I should put down my weapons and make peace with now and non-attachment, instead. Really, what are the chances?

You can se by the length of this post that this one is going to be hard to crack...

Evelia

Silence

It's a beautiful winter's morning. The sky is blue and it is warm, this is like summer in other latitudes, and altitudes of course. It's just faithful Toby and me, I gave him two small bones and he promptly went inside the house to save one for later. I will check under my blanket, just in case.

It is very quiet around here without the children. This is the second weekend that they are away. As a result of the separation, we have entered an alternating weekend schedule to satisfy the "shared parenting" requirement. I must say that growing up I never thought "I want to be an astronaut...and I want to be a part-time mum". I find it strange and painful. Yes, I know I will be fine, I feel positive that we'll all get used to it and I will enjoy the luxury of having kids-free time, but I am not there yet.

This morning I went to my friend's TaiChi class. The setting is beautiful, the group feels warm and welcoming, kindness is in the air. I was present following the movements quietly, trying to not react to the changes in my body as it was waking up for second breakfast, and my back and chest were aching for no particular reason, other than to hold on to what needs to go. TaiChi is like a balanced, harmonious dance to one's own music. Before the class a word is revealed to each person, mine today was "sensitivity", which is just fitting with my mood of tear and laughter in the same sentence; of feeling young and old at the same time.

I am learning to be alone. Growing up in a house full of people was fun and crazy, with always something happening. However, sometimes I felt quite separate from the others, watching all the action from afar without being part of it. Over the years I have attributed this feeling to many things, including the separation from my mother as a baby, and my very own wiring. After knowing children from birth, I would have to say that the latter is the most likely cause.

All my life being alone has been difficult, this time I am faced with the consequences of being true to myself, of wanting a calmer life, a purer life. In a way it signifies appreciating who I am, eliminating the noise that normally would have arised to appease the feeling of emptiness from being alone. This time, I am not alone even if there is no one near me, even if there is silence inside and out.

Tomorrow I will talk, probably a lot when I see people who embrace my being, quite to my surprise. I can only continue on my path, for better (I believe) or for worse, there is no turning back.

The Universe and You

I like thinking that the universe gives us exactly what we need, when we need it, or when we are most likely to experience growth from a particular event. But maybe it is the other way around, events just happen and we are or not affected by them, depending on our availability and receptivity.

Early this year, I asked the universe for a single event that would fulfill a special need of mine. I asked without qualifying it, without involving anyone in particular or timing it. Then, one cold windy night, under a distinctive landmark, I recognised it as it was happening.

This is not the first time I have asked the universe to grant me a wish. It doesn't happen often, but when it happens, it is powerful. An almost involuntary wordless voice comes from within, expressing exactly and precisely a desire of my soul. The feeling is carried upwards and into the sky, as if it could attach itself to the wing of a passing angel. Then I walk away, time will tell.

In each wish there is an expression of openess, of surender to the reality that is me, stripped down to the inmaterial. I am vulnerable and humble when I ask from the universe. No one can see me, and I play no roles, therefore there is no ego to prop up, or the mighty responsibilities, so heavy that my upper back clenches, bracing itself to take their weight.

But you see, even though I have experienced freedom from ego. Ego insists on playing havoc in my head. Sometimes it is hard, for example, to see any qualities that I have, or I that imagine I have, because of preconceived ideas on how I should run my life to be worthy, to be happy, and ultimately to be loveable.

Even though I accept that my standards are strict at best, and do not wish them to others. It seems to be OK for my ego to punish me for not reaching them. Are we all like this? and if we are, wouldn't it be better not to? I want to stop, I want to be real, imperfect and OK with it.

Most recently I made another wish: to find resolution. Sounds vague, I know, and maybe the answer is just as broad. But it manifests my willingness to find a new path for my life.

In the past, I would have chosen to move countries, to start a new career, to change the colour of my hair. To reinvent my external world, hoping that in the process I would find what it is missing, or at least get so busy that I'd forget the reason I started it in the first place. Granted, I almost did all these things this time around too. But something, maybe being older and wiser, maybe that windy night, made me listen to the voice that was telling me to stop running away. That the change needs to come from within, getting a new backdrop would not cut it this time.

There are no certainties, even if promises are made, documents exchanged, hard cash paid, or tears shed. Knowing that, can we learn to live without the feeling of free falling, losing our attachment to what should be there, and maybe it is today, but we don't know if it will be tomorrow?

I suggest substituting fear with joy; need for certainty with gratefulness for what it is, when it is. The story will write itself, as it does, without any help.

A presto, which is Italian for until next time
Eve

Episode 2 - The Ego and me

"Whatever the ego seeks and gets attached to are substitutes for the Being that it cannot feel. You can value and care for things, but whenever you get attached yourself to them, you will know it's the ego. And you are never really attached to a thing but to a thought that has ' I ', 'me; or 'mine' in it." - Eckhart Tolle

It has taken me a few days to digest this concept, and I suspect that it takes a life time to work with this particular notion, in the world where we exist. 

As I close my eyes thinking of what I am going to type next, the thought of letting go of material things seems doable; I don't feel attached strongly to any object. Objects come and go, and let's face it, most of them break or go out of fashion, even the expensive, or those that where once "state of the art". 

Am I attached to "my ideas"?, well, I consider myself fairly open minded, willing to listen and genuinely consider all points of view. I have no interest in convincing people to think the way I do, although it is kind of cool when they do. All of the sudden, I am feeling rather unattached, light headed even. I suspect that there is more to ego and me, where has it gone and attached itself?

Going a bit further, I'd have to say that the idea of not having a place to live that is safe and relatively warm, as well a source of income, would make me seriously doubt the feelings of detachment that I just had a minute ago. People losing everything isn't a rare occurrence, we know that there are some going through it right now. Detachment seems then, relative to how much we already have.

What about inmaterial things, like health, looks, abilities, roles in life, careers, or even way we want to be perceived? the common themes are that: a.) they can be things we identify with, and that potentially fill us with a sense of pride and increase our self-value, our ego; and b.)  they all change.

We assume them as part of us and if successful we want to permanently attach ourselves to them. In this world, all these things help us fit in, to initiate a conversation, to gain status within a certain group. I recently heard two gentlemen conversing, it sounded as if they had just met. The older one was saying how he married into a family that owns a very famous football club in Europe, it made me smile. I imagined him telling the same introductory line 50 years ago.

If there is anything that makes us feel less for not having it, there's ego attaching itself. Ego makes us feel entitled to something, material or not, and when we cannot reach it or lose it, we suffer. In our suffering we waste time which we could be using to move into a different direction, or just be where we are. Ego is part of us but not all of what we are. 

Even with all our credentials out on the table, who hasn't felt that there is more to us? If only we could put our finger on it. That's what I'm trying to get to.

à bientôt

Ève

Episode 1

"So when you are alert and contemplate a flower, crystal or bird without naming it mentally, it becomes a window for you into the formless. There is an inner opening, however slight, into the realm of spirit." Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth.

As a child, I was fascinated by the flower of the lantana plant. A single flower is composed of about 20 mini flowers. They are colour graded on their perfectly spaced position onto a semi-spherical base of long radius. Also, a hibiscus flower has its reproduction organs exposed, you can transfer the pollen from the yellow-tipped buds to the center, which is bright red, or you could just watch an insect carry it on its back. Even if not officially mentioned on science books, flower contemplation by children is one of the most effective pollination mechanisms that exists.

It is common to hear how children live in the present, if only we could be more like them. How long has it been since I studied a lantana flower?. I have to tell you that the last lantana plant was eradicated from our garden about 2 years ago, because lantana is nothing but a weed, an introduced species that will take over your garden if you let it.

I have a good friend who tells me that "weeds are plants we are prejudiced against". If you think about it, a weed is a tenacious, opportunistic, life embracing being. But in the garden, we want them out, favouring the fragile, the beautiful, the rare, maybe with the purpose of controlling a small parcel of our lives that is likely to give us a predictable result if we work hard enough at it.

I wish a could keep a garden. As I drive around my "garden proud" suburb, I admire the effort people put in, and the beautifully neat, tidy results they obtain. My garden is wild, once in a while I rake the leaves to make room for the children to play on the grass. Initially, I had planted flowers near the front gate but in time they died, as the soil is not so much soil, but sandstone, where only weeds seem to thrive.

The last time I contemplated a flower, it didn't take long before I realised that I had to do something else, be somewhere else. As adults, do we have the time to contemplate anything? With all the responsibilities we have, the people in our care, our work and our finance worries, I'm not sure we have the time, or simply what is required to gain insight into the formless: the feeling of untainted awe for simple things.

We are most likely to be blown away by complex, man made contraptions that would in most cases only reinforce our sense of self. I, in particular, feel the need to know how exactly I should be doing things. I like to know I do a good job. If I decide to give sometime to contemplation, is a little bit of contemplation enough? does it have to be quiet contemplation? or can I contemplate while I walk, while I talk, while I eat? could some one please give me instructions, so I know I have done it right and I can relax and enjoy the fruit of a job well done?

I had unexpected the fortune to study the perfection of nature in a Biomaterials course at university. Basically, we try to imitate the intrinsic characteristics of natural materials with our sooper dooper scientific advancements, and still fall short by miles. That's before we stop to mention the environmental damage we do to achieve results worth mentioning.

I get it. There is perfection in nature, whether there are weeds or not, it is sublime. It challenge us, it nurtures us, and it overwhelms us, as it is unstoppable. We can fight it, but by doing so, we only fight ourselves, as we are nature, with our own personal weeds against which we feel prejudiced.

"Show me a day when the world wasn't new"

Sister Barbara Hance (1928-1993)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/69384201@N00/4661878942/

The Key

nataliedee.com

I was going through an anxious few weeks recently when I found Anxiety Girl, I laughed out loud, so funny, so keenly true, so me.

I must admit that something so simple gave me two things to think about:

- I was translating any discomfort into impending doom.

- Obviously, I was not the only one.

Thanks to my still infant Mindfulness skills, I know that anxiety is an intense reaction to my own thoughts. This is helpful for me every single day. However, there is a point where not reacting to an avalanche of thoughts is easier said than done, especially when I am tired and facing life changing decisions.

Drawing from my professional experience, I can tell you that it is better, from a design point of view, to build a system with features to prevent a fault, rather than to contain a fault once it has already ocurred. Hence, it makes sense to find a way to prevent thoughts from snowballing into avalanches.

The way we react is part habit, part the way we are wired and part what you can get away with in your culture. Disclaimer: I might not be professionally qualified to make such statement, but have had enough therapy in my life to know that I am entitled to my opinion.

But what are all those thoughts I keep talking about? positive thoughts? negative thoughts? future thoughts? well, all of them. This continuous thinking is preventing me from the very thing I am trying to achieve: being in the present.

There are times when it is easy to be present: when you savour that delicious tapioca and mango mousse; or when you explain to your child the dangers of playing with scissors, while trying to keep a straight face at the marvelous haircut he's just given himself; or when you're lulled into a sleep by the breathing of your lover next to you.

There are times when you wish you were somewhere else, or that you could hang your life on the nearest coat rack, hoping that someone else would want to wear it for a while.

Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth tell us to not fight the now, to embrace it and make friends with it, no matter what it is, there is no good or bad, all it happens is part of the same fabric. Pain, frustration and anxiety are caused by our own resistance to the now.

Slowness, waiting, physical inactivity are sources of stress for me. In fact, I once refused to read a book club choice because of its title "Slowness". Interestingly, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" seemed a lot more appealing and it was also written by the same author, and one of my favourites, Milan Kundera.

A humbling moment for me came when I figured out that I can only move as fast as my body. Therefore 1000 KPH thoughts are not going to get me out of the rough patches any quicker. I need to learn to bring my whole presence here, where my body is.

This is the key. Not to approach being in the moment from the thought realm, but to be present from no thought

à la prochaine, mes amis,

Evelia

Mindfulness and presence

Throughout the past year I have been dipping my toes into the vast ocean of Mindfulness. When people ask me what it is, I answer "being here, now". It might sound easy, but it is not a simple concept to grasp, even more difficult to realise, as I have come to discover.

The events that lead me into this particular path started with the feeling of sinking, in front of my kitchen sink, yeah, well, it is corny, but that's where I was when it happened. I felt as if I had been asleep for years. As I drew a huge overdue breath, my world started to shake. My beliefs were all of the sudden questioned, by no other than myself. Something inside was urging me to see things for what they were, not what I thought there should be. Anxiety set in.

Left enters Mindfulness. I learned to focus on my breath, to meditate, to observe. On the external side, I separated, started a new diet, ran more and finally learned to swim properly. I did all of this because I had no choice. Would it be an exaggeration if I said it was a matter of life or death?...maybe...OK, I am dramatic, but I have the perfect excuse: I am a Latin Woman, what did you expect? I grew up watching telenovelas.

The act/art/fact of "being here, now". I can scan my body, I can see my thoughts and not judge them, it helped a lot. I was moderately sane again, even happy some days and even more importantly, I recovered the ability to enjoy my children.

However, when the time came to make tough decisions, I got overcome with fears: fear of doing the wrong thing, of being alone, of being broke, of physical and/or mental illness, of not being a good parent...the worst one: fear of never being able to be happy, "what if it is me? non-conformist, enternally unhappy little sort that throws everything away because she doesn't get enough cuddles."

Right enters A New Earth. I started reading this book from the middle, from the part where it didn't feel like everything I had always done was wrong, where there was some hope for screwed up me.

Tying up with Mindfulness there is Presence. Reading a few pages of A New Earth has revealed a deeply known but dormant truth ...presence is not the same as thoughts about being present...

I'll leave you with that, for now, be here, don't think about it, just be...

Welcome

My friend, the TaiChi instructor whose name I usually borrow for my French assignments, said to me "you need a Blog"...so here we are...my first blog entry.

I will keep it short as I am at work, and I am allowing myself only a few minutes break. I am at a point in my life were things seem to be difficult. It feels as if I am starting a new stage, leaving behind an old life where I managed to achive all the things that were prescribed. I can say that it was rewarding in many ways, however, I feel exhausted, need a change or a few many thousands of changes.

My friend, the hairdresser, gave me a book: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I am reading it in an unconventional way, I imagine many of my subsequent blog entries will be about my musings on the book.

Threee things that I should point out:
- The friends I have mentioned are much much more than their occupation, I have appreciated that from the first time I met them. It's just that I don't want to use their names without their permission.
- I chose the name of this blog to remind myself that there is no point in trying to outrun my life, I must walk it, every step of it.
- My body is perfectly healthy, but I am a perfectly fair weather being who likes not to be tired, not to feel pain, ...I have lessons to learn...many... come and visit from time to time, maybe you can check on my progress, or even remind me that I already learned that one.

au revoir,
Evelia :)
(yes, I like to show off my written French sometimes)