I'm told that my blog is the official version of what's going on in my life. I have also been told that it is all about feelings and not so much about facts. It is interesting how words that one reads can be interpreted according to our own expectations, our own stakes on the matter.
All I have to say is that this is my truth at the moment I write it. I could write a personal dialogue with you, but that might prove to be not so interesting, especially if it's just me writing.
After my trip I have settled into my new life with a busy and tight schedule, not much room for error, in which case, one or all of those involved could be late, out of a meal or missing out on some acivity. It keeps me busy and mostly away from too much thinking. There is a lot going on, but I am finding it relatively simple as I grow more centered in my own life. Be where I am, who I am, do what I do. Do not fight emotions, talk when words flow out. Burst into tears when I cannot longer hold them back, even if that makes someone else cringe.
Sometimes we hear some things and not others that are just as true. We might think that there is an agenda behind them and fail to hear the meaning of the words being said. They are expressing their truth but we are only listening to our own thoughts. It is a difficult but important exercise to listen. Only by being still in our heads can we see other people for who they truly are. I am able to find beauty in the truth that comes through the words, but only if I stand still.
It is easy to judge me because I open up like this, to you. I have never claimed to be a beacon of enlightement. I welcome you here, you take what you need, hopefully you'll be open too and find what comes from my heart. If we are only too lucky we will communicate directly.
Last Sunday I went out with a new friend, we went to dinner and on our way stopped briefly at one of my favourite dance places. I wished I could have stayed but my friend is not a dancer so we left. The fact is that my life is changing and what use to fit in the time I have might not be possible anymore.
On Wednesday night I took the train into town, it always amazes me that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I attempt in this new life to make it feel like home, where I want to be for many years, experiencing a full life, knowing that there will be sweet and not so sweet times, friends, ex-friends, future friends, unfriends and some that evolve into a new type of relationship for this new life.
On Thursday the floodgates opened and I cried a river at the loss of a close relationship. Things always change, relationships are notorious shape-shifters, we all know that. It is part of my learning experience to accept this. I know that there is no way back, only forward.
Today my eyes were dry as I cleaned up my desk for another big adventure to start...
Ithaca, by Kavafis
ReplyDeleteWhen you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
...
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
...
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.