These days physical tiredness seems to be my companion, coming to the forefront several times a day. I realise that this is normal for some people. For me however, feeling like a need a nap in the middle of the day, to the point of not being able to focus my vision is a very new event.
Maybe it is getting older, maybe it is the state of my life affairs. The main issue lies on the additional layer of pain that this produces. Or to putting in the right order, the pain caused by me fighting the fact that I feel this way. I think that I have written about this before. I'm starting to chase my own tail, would someone just throw a tennis ball, or something.?
It is possible that the tiredness is linked to my decreasing levels of exercise. I'm not sure where the balance point is between exercise and rest. In any case, tomorrow we will start a running programme from day 1. Initially, there are short runs between walking intervals. There are a couple of reasons why I want to do what might seem a step back.
Numero Uno: I want to rebuild my fitness by strengthening the support muscles that I need, gently, slowly.
Numero Dos: I need to have the patience to walk, to take a step at a time, specially when I feel like bolting down the road and never turning back; or when in the contrary, I feel so tired that I could fall asleep standing.
Numero Tres: the experience of a running buddy. Having never had one before I am looking forward to it.
I have been a bit of a loner who whinges about loneliness. In this new chapter of my life, I would like to stop the bad habit of missing on making friends because I am too worried about my own thoughts. I remember thinking a few years back something along the lines of "if I didn't worry, what would I do with my time?". Well, I am willing to find out.
This is a big week for me, having just celebrated the 8th anniversary of having entered the parent realm. I feel like I am ready to stop trying to play the role of parent. From now on, being a parent will not be that unattainable idea of perfection that I cannot fulfill. Probably, it won't look any different on the exterior from what I already do. However, there won't be a gap between me and the role my head has demanded for years for me to play, unsuccessful to my own standards and therefore causing of pain.
I am bad at playing roles, mainly because my expectations are ridiculously high, maybe even purposedly built in such way that I can suffer about not being good enough.*sigh* the games of a bored ego *sigh*
The time has also come for me to leave the relative "safety" of my current life. I am moving on, starting a new chapter in my life. At the start of my separated status, moving to a separate room was a relief, a necessity. I was fine like that for awhile, having my own safe little nook surrounded by things I loved. Although I realise that they are only things, they signify my desire to have a home. A place where I can be myself without the expectation of being plowed by disdain. After 15 months, I have come to the conclusion that I have outgrown my space.
A conclusion not reached without a great amount of struggle. Was I capable of going through with moving away from the one person with whom I've lived most of my adult life? did I not get all I want already? and what about my children? my dreams of a family? the joy listening to the voices early in the morning, every morning? Am I capable of going through life on my own, which is essentially what I need to be prepared to do? I have no answers to these questions, as I cannot predict the future. However, I believe that there is option but to move forward and out, to fully experience the change, to break away and independent is the only way for me at this point.
Looking at my anxiety charts a few days ago, it is evident to me that this struggle was what caused it to spike again. I am however, entering a stage where there is more of me, in all I do. Less fear and worry, more presence, more laughter.
I am tempted to say "I'm so happy that my back is good, if at least I didn't feel physically exhausted..." but it turns out that I am also tired of fighting what is, and that what I cannot immediately change...so I surrender, close my eyes and go to sleep.
Good night,
Evelia <3
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