The Universe and You

I like thinking that the universe gives us exactly what we need, when we need it, or when we are most likely to experience growth from a particular event. But maybe it is the other way around, events just happen and we are or not affected by them, depending on our availability and receptivity.

Early this year, I asked the universe for a single event that would fulfill a special need of mine. I asked without qualifying it, without involving anyone in particular or timing it. Then, one cold windy night, under a distinctive landmark, I recognised it as it was happening.

This is not the first time I have asked the universe to grant me a wish. It doesn't happen often, but when it happens, it is powerful. An almost involuntary wordless voice comes from within, expressing exactly and precisely a desire of my soul. The feeling is carried upwards and into the sky, as if it could attach itself to the wing of a passing angel. Then I walk away, time will tell.

In each wish there is an expression of openess, of surender to the reality that is me, stripped down to the inmaterial. I am vulnerable and humble when I ask from the universe. No one can see me, and I play no roles, therefore there is no ego to prop up, or the mighty responsibilities, so heavy that my upper back clenches, bracing itself to take their weight.

But you see, even though I have experienced freedom from ego. Ego insists on playing havoc in my head. Sometimes it is hard, for example, to see any qualities that I have, or I that imagine I have, because of preconceived ideas on how I should run my life to be worthy, to be happy, and ultimately to be loveable.

Even though I accept that my standards are strict at best, and do not wish them to others. It seems to be OK for my ego to punish me for not reaching them. Are we all like this? and if we are, wouldn't it be better not to? I want to stop, I want to be real, imperfect and OK with it.

Most recently I made another wish: to find resolution. Sounds vague, I know, and maybe the answer is just as broad. But it manifests my willingness to find a new path for my life.

In the past, I would have chosen to move countries, to start a new career, to change the colour of my hair. To reinvent my external world, hoping that in the process I would find what it is missing, or at least get so busy that I'd forget the reason I started it in the first place. Granted, I almost did all these things this time around too. But something, maybe being older and wiser, maybe that windy night, made me listen to the voice that was telling me to stop running away. That the change needs to come from within, getting a new backdrop would not cut it this time.

There are no certainties, even if promises are made, documents exchanged, hard cash paid, or tears shed. Knowing that, can we learn to live without the feeling of free falling, losing our attachment to what should be there, and maybe it is today, but we don't know if it will be tomorrow?

I suggest substituting fear with joy; need for certainty with gratefulness for what it is, when it is. The story will write itself, as it does, without any help.

A presto, which is Italian for until next time
Eve