Bring in the maths

And so it is that I have decided to wrap up my online dating stint.

It was, overall, a positive learning experience . My exposure to willing potential partners can't be compared to anything I have done before. Not to brag, but to give you an idea of the traffic an OK looking mother of 2 can generate, at its peak my profile was seen by 745 members in 21 days with 194 of them contacting me in a 30 day period.

On this particular site, to make it passed the initial "expression of interest" one of the parties involved in the flirtation has to pay. Unappealing to some who fancy themselves too cute to dish out the money, but good value to those who believe that the opportunity to meet someone special is worth the hassle of typing numbers onto the screen. It's a game of emotions and chance, and probably one of the best ways to meet people who are available and/or willing.

There are some colourful characters out there and a couple of weirdos too. But maybe you'd be surprised to know that there are plenty of good looking, intelligent and fun people signed up for this service. People with busy lives, families and successful careers.

So how did I fare? was I lucky enough to find someone who tickled my fancy? I'm not telling, but here are some stats that might be or not representative:

- 100% More first dates than in previous 20 years
- 100% 2nd dates offers (bragging!)
- 40% 2nd dates
- 10% total mismatch
- 10% playful and flirty
- 10% blown away
- 0% dancers

Throw in the timing factor and you end up adding

- 50% hopeful
- 50% scared out of your wits

Which might just lead you to be perceived as

- 100% nutter

and be sent to the back of the queue to start all over. If you're game.

I was fortunate to meet some lovely gentlemen. At no point did I feel threatened or disrespected. However, this is not everyone's experience, a few people, male and female, with whom I've exchanged information had horror stories, mostly related with people pushing for sex on the first date. I had none of that, which allowed me to continue the learning process that I had started feeling positive.

So what did I learn?

I learned quite a few things about my likes and how I've changed throughout the years.

Starting with the fact that I would do much better with someone whose personality is fairly complex, a sophisticated thinker. Someone who has the strength to be vulnerable in front of me, and that will allow for my own vulnerability. I need space to be myself and that's difficult without trust.

I learned that I have still issues lingering from my recent history. That age doesn't really matter, as long as the person sees you as an equal, no toy boys, no sugar daddys. That I'm more likely to be impressed by a man who tells me he has a mankini, than by a guy who goes to The Ivy.

Last but not least, that I want to be seen for who I am, beyond anything physical, but not excluding the enjoyment of the physical world. This hypothetical man, shall be able to be present and see beyond the form, not all the time, but 99% when necessary.

Online dating is not for everyone. Maybe more suitable for someone with a thick skin who is willing to take a chance and put themselves out there. I would advice to approach online dating without any major expectations and with open eyes to allow for learning about yourself. In my case, it is not something that I could do for a long time. Today I feel tired of it, overwhelmed by the shear number of faces and words I read. I know there might have been other slightly gentler options to try to meet a suitable person, for example, I could have just hope to meet someone at the bus stop, but the odds were not nearly as good.

Much love,

Lia.
x

Ps. I have been thinking of catchy new headline in case I ever go back to online dating. Something along the lines of "Zen latina seeks male presence powerhouse for life exploration and other delectable activities" que tal??!!

Bring it!

As a child, New Year's Eve was my favourite holiday. Waking up to a crisp sunny day was energising. The festivities would start early at home, where all activities revolved around the kitchen. People in and out constantly,  everyone seemed to be an authority on what was cooking, having a peek in the oven every few minutes. No wonder the blooming roast took so long to cook!

Us kids did all things in between helping and not helping, inclusive. In the evening we'd just wear our best clothes and wait for the New Year after dinner. Waiting consisted of running: in and out the house, up and down the stairs, around the diningroom table, to and away from the fireworks, up and down our neighbour's steep driveway, among other peculiar unexplicable to-and-fro's.

As the 12 campanadas approached everyone gathered together, grapes ready to eat, one per bell ring, money in hand, suitcase near the door, and more traditions that I can remember. Counting down from 10, I swear you could hear the whole 'hood exploding in a big cheer at midnight. At that point we could leave behind all the things  we didn't like about the previous year and embrace a brand new one, full of possibilities.

I suspect that that was how I learned to be excited about the opportunities a new year brings, a time when nothing else matters, but the joy of being together in a positive environment, surrounded by fun, laughter and celebration.

Special memories: my cousin and I running to the front garden looking for the first person of the new year. My gorgeous neighbours, a couple who were young and oh so stylish. My daddy's face full of excitement, now I realise probably putting it on for us. Trailing behind dad through the neighbourhood, where there was an open-door policy, well, at least at the houses where the door was open.

Things are different for me these days. I take my kids to watch the fireworks on the bridge and we join the best part of a million people on the "ooooohs and ahhhhs" of the event. And yes, I'm excited, for me and for them, I would like them to embrace their world and the opportunities that are available to them, every day.

We can say with certainty that there will be challenges and blessings  in 2011, and you'll be reading about mine in this space, sorry, that's just the way blogging works. I am grateful that you are here, as each person in my life, far or near, brings a lesson for me to learn. You do know about the butterfly effect, don't you?

Looking forward. Today of all days, let's celebrate!

E.
x

Happy Holidays

It's the day before Christmas and I wanted to wish you all, happiness for the festivities and success for the new year.

May you measure success by the richness of your life and your ability to live each moment. My top three picks to cultivate today: Health, Courage and Love, as they will serve you in the future.

Keeping your family close is not always possible, so keep them in your heart as you travel far away. And as you walk through your life, chose your friends well, they are family brought to you by life itself. Take care of learning their language, embrace them often. Touch, smile, go to the beach, run.

Have fun!

This photograph was sent to me by a talented friend, please enjoy. (Merci, François!!)

Ps. I love my father, even though I'm absolute rubbish at keeping in touch...Feliz Navidad y Prospero Año Nuevo, papá!

TQM,

E.

Coming out

OK, you have waited enough for an update. I appreciate your patience and your continuous support, you know who you are. You'll be pleased to know that I've been writing a bit, however it all has gone unpublished, until now.

Here is the deal; throughout my life I have felt heavily the fear of being criticised. Disapproval from people that I hold in high regards, just kills me. It is time for me to free myself for good. Maybe starting by changing the tense on that sentence. 

Criticism used to eat at my sense of safety. The feeling that something terrible could happen is just an expression of my ego, wanting to identify itself with an image that I particularly found very appealing, a correct and proper, smarty pants Ms. Goodytwoshoes-esque personification of myself. 

But you see, next year marks the 40th anniversary of my birth, ah the big 4-O!. As my birthday present I am giving myself permission to admit to those little things that a previous version of me would have purposedly hidden. Don't worry, I'm still proper enough not to overshare* or divulge information without consent. In addition, names will be changed to protect the innocent and the once-upon-a-time-innocent.

(Drum roll)

For the past few weeks I have had a full profile, up and visible, with one of those internet services designed to get you exactly what you want (conditions apply) for a modest sum, or for free if you're really eye-catching. I'm referring to nothing but Australia's largest dating website. Judge away, I'll continue my story in the mean time.

My experience so far has been one of the most interesting in a long time. I find myself surprised by the richness in the humanity of it all. At times, I've been moved by other people's stories, some with uncanny similarities to my own and some very different, all worthy of my respect. 

Filling out a form describing my ideal partner was interesting, having people match themselves to my form was a step up from interesting, finding out what actually suits me is a revelation in progress.

To be continued...

E.

* thank you for this word, Ultra D

Marriage at the End

When someone asked me recently if I believed in marriage I had to pause and think about it. If you have known me for a while, you know that I rarely have a straight answer due to the fact that there are many aspects to all things. Because marriage is a lot more complicated once you have been part of one, I had to think twice as long, actually still thinking about it.

I believe that two people can live together and be each other's best friend, love each other everyday, be loyal and considerate. Essentially happy, enriching each other's lives for a very long time. There shall be disagreements, individuality, quirky things that the other one can't understand. There could be watching each other grow older, some be ill, some recover. Probably there would be hot times and cold times, ups and downs, hopefully the ups will be higher than the downs can be low. The main ingredients would appear to be a strong friendship, openness and a positive attitude. Yes, sex too.

What I don't believe is that you can call it in advance. There is no way to know how we will change, where life will take us, next month, next year, let alone the rest of our lives. We make choices everyday and feel that we have control, but sometimes life chooses us for something unexpected. There might be a lesson that we must learn alone, a path that does not suit the other person.

With marriage we are going on faith that we can stick to a relationship through thick and thin forever, based on what we feel or think at a very specific moment. The almighty love, the one that feels like it will last forever, is probably what changes the quickest, all of the sudden we find ourselves wondering "where did the freaking thing go?, it was just here!" I'm afraid I have no better answer than "where all lost socks go."

Saying all this, if you are married, a believer in getting hitched forever, please disregard my rant. Power on! I will be the first to support your efforts, cheer you on and lend you an ear for when you need to. It's a sincere offer, in case there are cynical people lurking.

I won't get married again, but because by saying that I'd be contradicting my own premise of finding flaws in calling things in advance. I'd say that if it happens it might go something like "Cicero*, my love, can you believe we've been together for 30 years? how about we celebrate by getting married?"

It's better that way.  I can also assure you that I won't be dissapointed if 30 years down the track my 4yo is not a paleonthologist.

xx
Evelia

*Name has been changed to protect the unknown hypothetical husband

Standing Still

Imagine that you are a the centre of a pack of dogs. You stand while they look away from you. Some of these dogs are fast runners, some are ferocious and dangerous, while some are tame and kind. All of them, however, are entirely familiar to you, you are their minder since they were born.

Imagine now that something stirs them up, you become alert. One of the dogs, a particularly strong one, decides to take off. You feel the tug on the lead you tightly hold, your heart is beating faster, the pull becomes stronger and you lose your balance, ending up dragged along a path that you know won't end up at a pleasant place. Bruised and scraped you recover in the end, a bit far from home, where you belong.

The dogs of thought

Let go of the leash. Feel the tug on your arm but release the tension, instead of pulling or following. Let the dog run, watch it run into the horizon until it becomes a dot to then disappear. You might feel sad, light headed and out of balance, wondering what to do. Just stand and sooner or later the plan will reveal itself

in Stillness

Evelia

~ The Invitation ~

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0